Laughs From
Pastor Russ’ Previous Messages

A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer tried to be friendly but to no avail. She kept nagging them and generally making life unbearable. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.  At the funeral, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Curious as to this behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'No, it's booked up for a year.'" 

This year at the Olympics they tested for everything: Steroids, human growth hormone; Party loyalty. 

There were three guys trying to sneak into Olympic Village. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a way we can scam our way in."  A burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot-put." He opens his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials."  The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."  The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials. Good luck!"  The second guy grabs a manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."  The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet. Enjoy yourself."  They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from South Carolina. Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire and states: "Foster Bean. Clemson, SC. Fencing." 

A father was in his backyard tending his garden when he heard a loud argument going on in the front yard. As he came around the house, he could tell that his children and some of their friends were really upset with one another, but the moment that they saw him, they all stopped. He began to lecture them on playing nice. “But Daddy,” his daughter said, “We weren’t really fighting. We were just playing church.” 

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."  "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"  

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.  The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"  The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."  "How?" asks the man, puzzled.  "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field." 

There was a blonde who had cut and dyed her hair.  While driving one day in the country, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd.  "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.  The shepherd, thinking this was a safe bet, agreed.  "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.  Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.  She picked up one and was petting it when the shepherd asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"  The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now … give me back my dog." 

An accountant goes to his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't sleep at night," complains the man.  "Have you tried counting sheep?" inquired the doctor.  The accountant replied, "That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"

What keeps you healthy?  The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you. 

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "What we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"  A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake" 

A man goes to his doctor because he hasn't been feeling well. After the exam the doctor gives the results, "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?""10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 Months? 10 Weeks? What? "10...9...8...7..." 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"  As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!" 

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Williams Brice Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'" 

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, "Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart." "That’s wonderful," says St. Peter, "that’s worth three points!" "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." "Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that’s worth two points." "Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that’s good for two more points," he says. "TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!" "Come on in!"   

A children’s Sunday School teacher asked, "If I sold all I owned and gave all the money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals, gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" 

A young man says "Dad, I would like to use the family car."  His father replies: "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, keep the yard is neat, and cut your hair.” Several months pass and the young man says, "Dad, I’ve done everything you asked. How about letting me use the car?"  The father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."  His son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."  His father replies, "Yes, son, you're right. And he walked everywhere he went."

A grade school teacher asked what student’s parents did for a living. "Tim, you’re first," she said. Tim proudly said, "He's a doctor."  "That's wonderful. How about you, Billy?"  Billy proudly announced, "My daddy cheats people, steals from them, and drinks."  The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject. Later that day she went to Billy's house and explained to his father what was said.  Billy's father said, "I'm actually an politician. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" 

There was an elderly priest, who said to an innovative younger priest, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. The front of the church always fills first now.  And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so now our services are packed since you brought in that rockin roll gospel choir.  All of these ideas have been good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."  "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

A man said to his friend, “I have a mountain of credit card debt. I have lost my job. My car is being repossessed and our house is in foreclosure, but I am not worried about it”. “Aren’t you worried?” Exclaimed his friend! “No, I’ve hired a professional worrier. He does all my worrying for me, and that way I don’t have to think about it.”  “That’s fantastic!” said the friend. “How much does your professional worrier charge for his services?” “$50,000 a year” he replied. “$50,000 a year? Where are you going to get that kind of money?” “I don’t know”, comes the reply. “That’s his worry.”

Not long ago there was a story about a State Trooper who had pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on the interstate. The police officer asked, "Why were you driving so slowly?"  The driver said, "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."  The police officer said, "No, Sister, that is the highway number."  Then he looks in the back seat and sees two nuns with panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.  "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"  "Oh, well - we just got off I-126."

A pastor received a call from a church that offered him a salary four times what he was then eceiving. Being a devout man, he spent much time in prayer trying to discern what God wanted him to do. One day a friend met the pastor’s young son on the street. “Do you know what your dad is going to do?” he asked. “Well,” replied the lad, “Dad’s praying, but Mom’s packing!”

I heard about a mechanic who was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.  The mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, take a look at this?'  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.  The mechanic asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get a $500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'  The cardiologist smiled, and leaned over and whispered, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

A hiker was charged with killing an endangered species while camping in the woods of California. After hearing the man had eaten a condor, the judge quickly passed a harsh sentence of 10 years behind bars. The man pleaded with the judge to hear his side of the story. The judge was interested to hear how anyone could rationalize killing a protected bird so he allowed the man to speak. The hiker explained how he had been lost in the wilderness for three days and nights without any food or water. He then spotted the bird sitting on a rock. With the little strength he had left, he threw a rock and killed the bird. After eating the condor he walked another three days without food or water before being rescued. He said, "Your honor, had I not eaten that bird, I wouldn’t be here today." The judge was moved by the story and suspended the hiker’s sentence. The man quickly thanked God for His blessing.  As they left the courtroom the judge asked the man what a condor tastes like. The man thought for a moment and said, "It’s kind of a cross between a bald eagle and a spotted owl." 

There was a woman who said she wanted a divorce because of religious differences with her husband.  She said he thinks he is god and she doesn’t. 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Peter had to tell them, "Heaven's getting pretty full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So, what are your stories?"   The first man replies: "Well, I came home early to try to catch my wife cheating on me. After I got to my apartment and searched, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. And he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. So I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But then I had a heart attack and died."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man tells his story.  I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I slipped and fell over the edge. But I caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. Suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. He grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just then, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter asked for his story.  "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..." 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy 3 boxes of chocolate. The pharmacist says what size.  "Well," he said, "I’ve been seeing this beautiful girl for a while and I think tonight we’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. If she lets me hold her hand I’m going to give her a small box if she let’s me kiss her on the cheek I’m going to giver her a medium box and if she lets me kiss her on the lips I’m going to give her a big box. The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."    

One of my favorite cartoon strips is “Frank and Earnest.” Frank is in the courtroom standing before the judge who says to him, “It’s ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty.’ You can’t plead ‘I gotta be me.’”   

I heard a story that happened during the Korean War. Some soldiers rented a home and hired a local boy to cook and clean for them. These Americans were a bunch of jokesters, and they soon began to take advantage of the young boy. They’d smear Vaseline on the stove handles, put little water buckets over the door so that he’d get deluged when he opened the door. They’d even nail his shoes to the floor during the night. Day after endless day, the little fellow took the brunt of their practical jokes without saying anything. No blame, no self-pity, no temper tantrums.  Finally, the men felt guilty about what they were doing, so they sat down with the young Korean and said, “We’re sorry. We’re never gonna take advantage of you again.”  “No more sticky on the stove?” he asked.  “Nope”  “No more water on door?”  “Nope.”  “No more nail shoes to the floor?”  “Nope, never again.”  “Okay,” the boy said with a smile, “no more spit in soup.”   

It’s time to pay my income tax
And, brother, that’s no joke.
For after paying IRS
I find that I R broke!

As April 15 draweth nigh,
My spirits start to droop.
A poor, downtrodden slave am I,
In short, an income pooped.

Income tax is almost due
And this makes me today
Another shaking member of
The I.O.U.S.A. 

There was a pastor who had a parrot that would only say, “Let’s pray, let’s pray.” He learned that one of his deacons had a parrot that would only say, “Let’s kiss. Let’s kiss.” So the pastor invited the deacon and his parrot over to his house. They put the parrots into the same cage to see what would happen. The deacon’s parrot said, “Let’s kiss, let’s kiss.” The pastor’s parrot said, “Thank you, Lord. My prayers have been answered.” 

The monks at a remote monastery followed a rigid vow of silence.  Their vow could only be broken once a year by one monk who could speak only one sentence. On that day, Brother Thomas said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes!" Silence ensued for 365 days. Then Brother Michael got his turn and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!" The next year it was Brother Paul’s turn and he said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!  

A Buddhist monk went to the dentist for an exam. The dentist found a cavity and said he needed a filling.  "Do you want something for the pain?", asked the dentist. The monk replied, "No thank you, I transcend dental medication." 

Three-year old, Caitlin was learning the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. She carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." 

Little Johnny’s parents had promised he could stay up but he misbehaved he was sent to his room. He emerged a couple minutes later and informed his mother that he had thought things over and prayed. The mother asked, “Did you ask God to help you not misbehave?” Johnny replied, “I asked Him to help you put up with me.”    

In Washington DC, near the capital there is a McDonalds that is frequented by a lot of Congressmen.  So, they added a new burger to the menu called the McPolitician.  When you get it, it costs twice as much as expected, has half the meat and you never get the fries you were promised. 

Two preachers ran into each other at Wal-Mart and one asked how the other was doing. “Furious!” replied the pastor. “Someone has stolen my bicycle and I think it’s one of my church members! I don’t know what to do.”  The first preacher said: “Here’s what I’d do. I’d preach on the Ten Commandments Sunday and when I got to ‘You shall not steal’ I’d really hammer it home.” The second preacher said, “I think I’ll take your advice.”  The next Monday, the first preacher ran into the second one and saw that he was riding the bicycle. He said, “I see my advice worked.” The second replied, “Not really. When I got to ‘You shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle.”

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing. The old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young fellow starts talking about the today’s problems and sexually transmitted diseases going around. The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."   

Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold. 

The Bible says marriage is made in Heaven — So is thunder in lightening!  Love is a dream — Marriage is an alarm clock!  A honeymoon is a Short Pause - between - I Do and You Better!  

A woman testified that after she became a Christian her life was changed. She declared, "I’m so glad I got religion. I have an uncle I used to hate so much I vowed I’d never go to his funeral. But now, why, I’d be happy to go to it any time."

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law and made him a 50-50 partner in his business. He said, “All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."  The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."  The father-in-law said, "Well then, you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."  "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."  The father-in-law said, "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you hate factories and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"  "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!" 

A man brought his wife in for marital counseling. When he came into the room he glaringly commanded her to sit in a chair.  He turned to the counselor and said, “My wife needs counseling.”  The counselor responded, “Would you leave us for a few minutes and let me talk with her alone?” When he left the room, the counselor asked, “How can you stand living with this guy?”  She responded, “I clean the toilet with his toothbrush.” 

I heard about two kids who were in Sunday school one day. The teacher had taught the lesson on Lot’s wife who looked back and became a pillar of salt. One of the kids said, "My mamma went driving yesterday, looked back and turned into a light pole."  This is not what our discussion concerning salt and light is about. 

A pastor and his wife decide to have the deacons and their wives over for dinner. It was quite an undertaking, but the pastor and his wife want to be "Salt and Light" for the leaders of their church. When it comes time for dinner, everyone is seated and the pastor's wife asks her little four year old daughter if she will say grace. The girl says "I don't know what to say."  Her mom tells her, "Just say what I say honey."  Everyone bows their head and the little girl says, "O dear Lord, why am I having all these people over for dinner! Amen!"   

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural south Mississippi on the opening day of deer season.  They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them.  As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past.  Of course by then, the deer was long gone.  The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsman-like act I've ever seen!  You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.  You are a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world and exemplify what Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount!" The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years." 

A forgetful preacher went to a Pastor’s conference and heard them say that the first thing you say in your message should be attention grabbing. Then he heard a preacher give an example, saying, ‘I spent many years of my life in the arms of another man’s wife.’ [the people gasped] He continued ‘…she was my mother!’   The forgetful preacher said, oh, I’ve gotta remember that one. So, Sunday morning he said, ‘I spent many years of my life in the arms of another man’s wife.’ [dramatic pause] ‘…for the life of me I can’t remember who she was!’ Well, at least he got their attention!

A fortune-teller studied the hand of a young man and told him, “You will be poor and very unhappy until you are 37-years old…” The young man said, “Well after that, what will happen? Will I be rich and happy?” The fortune-teller said, “No, you’ll still be poor, but you’ll be used to it by then…” 

Have you ever wondered why opportunity knocks once – yet temptation bangs on the door constantly?   

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn
mower. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children on their way to school.  One little boy tripped and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag but he missed a piece of bologna. So the fly flew down and started eating the bologna. He ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

But there was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.  Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story: Don’t let temptation to cause you to fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

 A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

A busload of politicians ran off a country road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.  A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.  The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"  The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie. 

A man accompanied his friend home for dinner and was impressed by the way he treated his wife. He asked her how her day went, and told her she looked pretty.  Then, after they embraced, she served dinner.  The husband complimented his wife on the meal and thanked her for it. When the two fellows were alone, the visitor asked, "Why do you treat your wife so well?"  "Because she deserves it, and it makes our marriage happier," replied the host.  Impressed, the visitor decided to adopt the idea.  Arriving home, he embraced his wife and said, "You look wonderful!"  For good measure he added, "Sweetheart, I’m the luckiest guy in the world."  His wife burst into tears.  Bewildered, he asked her, "What in the world’s the matter?"  She wept, "What a day! Billy got in a fight at school. The refrigerator quit and spoiled the groceries. And now you’ve come home drunk!"   

A woman tells her husband, "That young couple next door seems such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes home, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," he says, "I hardly know the girl."  

A man forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" The next day there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife opened the box and found a brand new bathroom scale. He’s been missing since Friday. 

A wife was berating her husband so he motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me." The wife replied, "Unlike a lot of women, I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse." 

Two Washington politicians had locked themselves out of their car. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first. "Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might think we were trying to break in." "Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick our fingers through to pull up the lock." "No, no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars." Becoming angry the first said, "Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain." They must been from Massachusetts or Colorado. 

A husband and wife went to counseling. When asked the problem, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in 25 years of marriage. Finally, the therapist walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week." The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but the other days I play golf."

 A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws." 

Newlyweds returned from their honeymoon and the young bride called her mother, and said, “Oh, mother the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language; really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come and take me home. Please, Mother!" “But honey, her mom asked, what four-letter words?" Sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook." 

Two deaf men were discussing their wives. One signs to the other, “boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!” The other Buddy signs, “when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.” “How do you do that?” “It's easy! I turn off the light!”

A man looked up from his hospital bed and said to his wife, “You’ve always been with me when I have had trouble. When I lost my shirt in a poor investment, you were there. When I had the car accident, you were with me. When I got fired, you were there. I realized that in all these misfortunes, you were there. Now I believe what my friends were saying, that you are a bad luck.    

The football season is upon us. With cable channels - you can find football on almost every night. One man put it best when one of his friends ask him, “What are you going to do when Football is over"? He replied, "Well, I guess I will have to go back to talking to my wife again". 

So many people in relationships try to change the other person. Reminds me of the young fiancé whose husband to be didn’t believe like she did. She cried to her mother, “Mom, what should I do? How can I change his thinking? He says he doesn’t believe in hell?” The Mother said, “Honey, that’s alright, you marry him and we’ll make him believe in hell.”    

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. "Where’s Harry?" he was asked. "Harry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Harry lying there, and carried the deer back?" "Well," said the hunter, "I figured no one was going to steal Harry." 

A pastor arranged for the women’s auxiliary to have a garden party on the church lawn. At the last moment, the morning of the party, the Preacher’s wife discovered she left a difficult lady off the invitation list. The pastor called the woman and begged forgiveness. I’m so sorry we didn’t catch this sooner, he said, won’t you please come to the garden party? She replied, Beggin’ won’t help now, Preacher, I’ve already prayed for rain.    

The IRS once received a letter from an anonymous taxpayer. It read, "I have cheated on my income tax for the past seven years, and tonight my conscience is troubling me to the point that I cannot sleep. I have enclosed a $100 bill as my way of saying ‘I am sorry.’ If I find that I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest of what I owe."  

I heard a story about a man who had rabies. This took place in the early 1900’s before a cure for rabies had been found. The doctor examined him, ran some tests, and broke the bad news to him. He said, "I’m sorry but there’s no hope for you. I suggest you write out your will and set your affairs in order."

How do you answer these questions?

1. If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
2. Is there another word for “synonym”?
3. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
4. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
5. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
6. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
7. What was the “best thing” before sliced bread?
8. If you try to fail, but succeed, which have you done? 

Temptation is everywhere. There was once a poor country pastor who confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. She wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, "Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it." "Well," the pastor persisted, "You should have told him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but he said "It looks great from back here, too."  

I heard about a rich man who was determined to take his wealth with him. He told his wife to get all his money together, put it in a sack, and then hang the sack from the rafters in the attic. He said, "When my spirit is caught up to heaven, I’ll grab the sack on my way." Well he eventually died, and the woman raced to the attic, only to find the money still there. She said, "I knew I should’ve put the sack in the basement."   

Maybe you’ve heard about the gorilla in a zoo holding a Bible in one hand and a book about evolution in the other. He was looking confused, so someone asked, “What are you doing?” The gorilla answered, “Well, I’m trying to decide if I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.” 

An American visiting a village in a developing country saw a native reading the Bible. He arrogantly commented, "In our country, we don’t allow the Bible in schools anymore." The native replied in broken English, "If no Bible, you be eaten by now."   

These are slightly skewed scriptural insights from children of Christian and Jewish faiths:
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is "Humor thy father and mother."
- The Seventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When the three wise guys from the east side showed up, they found Jesus and the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which is "Do one to others before they do one to you."
- The Bible says a man is only supposed to have one wife. This is called monotony. 

A couple of F-15’s fighter jets are escorting a C-130 Hercules transport, and their pilots were discussing how complicated their planes were. The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth. After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things that you’d only dream about."  Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate. "Just watch," he said. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly straight and level. After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?" The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee." 

A young woman substitute teacher explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to please their teacher, their hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" Lucy answers, "I'd be an atheist."  

On the TV show Seinfield: Elaine asks, "Do you believe in God?" "Yes," her boyfriend replies. Elaine asks, "Is it a problem that I’m not religious?" "Not for me," her boyfriend answers. "How’s that?" she asks. Her boyfriend says, "I’m not the one going to hell."   

Juan Carlos was a famous pirate. He was notorious for his thievery, and it was rumored that he had a very large amount of plunder buried. One day he was in Mexico and a man came up to him, pushed him to the ground and said “Juan Carlos tell me where all your money is buried or I will shoot you right here” Juan Carlos didn’t speak a word of English, so he found a young boy to act as interpreter. The boy relayed the message to Juan Carlos, and fearing for his life Juan Carlos said “tell him that I don’t want to die. All my money is located 30 paces north of the city water tower under a large rock”. So the boy turned to the man and said, “Juan Carlos says he is an honorable man and will never tell you where the money is. He says to kill him now.” 

A certain Christian prayed this prayer every morning: "Lord, if you want me to witness to someone today, please give me a sign to show me who it is." One day on a nearly empty bus, a big, burly man sat next to him. This big burly guy burst into tears and began to weep and cried out with a loud voice, "I’m a lost sinner and I need the Lord. Won’t somebody tell me how to be saved?" The believer immediately bowed his head and prayed, "Lord, is this a sign?" 

A Christian barber began attending a "soul winners class" at his church. He attended faithfully every night for two weeks. He rehearsed all the material, took extensive notes, and memorized the assigned Bible verses. The next morning, in the barber shop, he bowed his head. "Dear Lord," he prayed, "help me to witness to the first man to come through that door this morning." By 5:00 p.m., the barber was sobbing with shame. He had not witnessed to a single person. He bowed his head again. This time he prayed, "Lord, if you will allow one more opportunity, I promise I will do my part." At that, the door opened and in walked a pleasant looking gentleman. As the barber draped the man in his protective sheet, he began to try to remember what he was supposed to say. He began to get very confused. As the barber began to strop his razor, he realized that he simply could not remember a thing he had learned. This made the barber very nervous and soon sweat began to break out on his forehead. Finally, in desperation, he shook the razor at the man and screamed, "ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE??!!!"   

 A counselor asked twelve-year-old Scott about his experience with trying out 'snuff' at the school camp the night before. “I got really sick on the stuff,” said Scott. He went on to say, "I won't ever try it again. I regret it and I've already told God I'm sorry, but please don’t tell my teacher." The counselor questioned: "What's the difference between God knowing and your teacher knowing?" Scott explained, "God won't tell my parents." 

I heard about an interesting church announcement. It said, “The deacons regret that it has come to their attention that congregants dying at church are failing to fall down. This practice must stop, as it becomes impossible to distinguish between death and the natural movement of members. Any member found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the roll.”    

A woman who worked in an animal hospital was to have knee surgery. She was nervous about the procedure and asked her boss if he had any advice. The Vet replied without thinking, ‘Just turn your worries into prayers, get plenty of rest, and don’t lick your incision.”     

A fifteen-year-old boy came bounding into the house and found his mom in bed. He asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned. Mom replied that she didn’t feel too well. The son said, “Well, don’t worry a bit about dinner. I’ll be happy to carry you down to the stove.” 

The story is told of the missionary who asked a new convert, “Pablo, if you had a hundred sheep, would you give fifty of them to the Lord’s work?” “You know I would gladly give them,” he replied. “Pablo, if you had fifty cows, would you give twenty-five to the Lord’s work?” “Of course, I would be more than happy to do that.” Once again the missionary asked, “Pablo, if you had two pigs, would you give one of them to the Lord’s work?” “That’s not fair!” Pablo said, “You know I have two pigs.”  

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved was so depressed that later he hanged himself." "Oh, he didn't," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." 

It’s like the fellow that was seated on the back row of a rural church in Tennessee.  The guest speaker was one of those spewing, snorting, spitting, stomping kind of screaming preachers.  He was tearing into them, letting them have it.  He said, “It won’t be long until everyone around here is going to be dead.”  People were in shock.  Except this one old boy in the back row that started laughing out loud.  The speaker wound up even more.  He said, “I said it won’t be long until everybody around here is going to be dead.”  People are falling down behind the pew except the one old boy.  He’s laughing even more.  The preacher said, “Didn’t you understand what I said?  Everybody around here is going to be dead.”  The old boy stood up and said, “Ain’t from around here!”   

A young man was seated next to an older gentleman at a ball game. He said, “Excuse me, sir.  Could you tell me what time it is?”  The old man just ignored him.  He spoke a little louder.  “Excuse me, sir.  Could you tell me what time it is?”  Again the man remained silent.  So finally he tapped the guy on the shoulder and said, “Sir, I was hoping you could tell me what time it is.  Have I offended you in some way?”  The old man said, “I know how this conversation is going to go.  You ask me what time it is and I tell you.  Then we’ll start a conversation.  These are season tickets so we’ll see a lot of each other.  We’ll become friends.  I’ll invite you to my house for dinner.  You’ll meet my daughter.  The two of you will fall in love.  You’ll probably end up getting married and quite frankly I don’t want a son in law who can’t afford a watch.”   

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes
are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick
up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A young business owner was opening a new branch office, and a friend decided to send a floral arrangement for the grand opening. When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find that his wreath bore the inscription: “Rest in peace.”  Angry, he complained to the florist. After apologizing, the florist said, “Look at it this way—somewhere a man was buried under a wreath that said, ‘Good luck in your new location.’" 

There was a Peanuts cartoon with Lucy saying to Charlie Brown, "I hate everything. I hate everybody. I hate the whole wide world!" Charlie Brown says, "But I thought you had inner peace." Lucy replies, "I do have inner peace. But I still have outer obnoxiousness"

 Three Nuns who were also nurses had been ministering to the health needs of a family out in the country.  On the way back home their car ran out of gas. They knew of a service station only a mile down the road. After walking to the station and returning with a can of gas, they realized they needed something to funnel the fluid into the gas tank. They searched the trunk for a funnel. Finding nothing else, one Nun suggested they use the bed pan they always carried.  It had the right shape.  As they were filling the tank from the bed pan, a sheriff’s deputy drove up, stopped and got out of his car in amazement. He said, “I admire your faith Sisters, but I don’t think this is going to work.”  

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" 

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Hey, did you see that?" I sure did said the man! He calls the waiter over and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck." 

An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his unselfish service, he will be rewarded with his choice of wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects wisdom. "It is done!" the angel said, and then disappeared into a cloud of smoke. All of the other members of the faculty stared at the dean with amazement. Finally one of them whispered, "Now that you have infinite wisdom, Dean, say something." The dean looked them and said, "I should have taken the money."   

Pastor Russ’ World Famous Easter Bunny Joke: A woman was driving down the road when she spotted a car stopped in the middle of the road with a white creature lying on the pavement along with a basket, eggs and candy strewn about. There was a man leaning against the car sobbing. She stopped and asked to help. The man said, “I’ve killed the Easter Bunny; he hopped in front of me before I could stop.” The woman said, “Don’t worry.” She went to her car, removed a spray can, and sprayed the poor bunny all over until the can was empty. The Easter Bunny suddenly revived, gathered up his basket, eggs and candy and hopped off down the road. Every few yards he would stop and wave goodbye. “What was in that can?” The man asked. The woman turned the can so he could read the label. It said, “Hair Spray: restores to life dead hair and adds permanent wave.” 

This being Easter, the deacons met and decided to get a really special speaker. First they called the best preacher in the world and ask him to speak." He said "No".  So they called the smartest one. And he said "No". And then they called the best looking."  And he said "No". Finally one of them said, "Well, we have to get our preacher." And so they did. What could I say? I’d already told them "no" three times. 

An atheist complained to a friend because Christians had their
special holidays, such as Easter, and Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. "But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays. It’s unfair discrimination." His friend asked, "Why don’t you celebrate April first?" 

In medieval times, a baker's assistant’s sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making knockwurst sausage rolls. Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.  One day Richard ran out of a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper would know, he described it to him saying, "It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst." 

A man was looking through the classifieds for a used car when he came upon an ad for an almost new Jaguar being sold for only $50. When he called the number listed he was assured that $50 was correct. He went to see the car and to his amazement found the automobile to be in superb condition. Asking the woman why she was selling a $80,000 car for only $50 the woman said, “A year ago my husband began to go through a mid-life crisis. That’s when he bought this car. About a month ago he ran off with his 23 year old secretary. A week ago he called to say he was running short on cash and asked me to sell his Jag and send him the money. So that’s what I’m doing.” 

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The Buddhist gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he asks, "Where’s my change?" The vendor replies, "All change must come from within." 

It could have been worse. Noah could have been building the ark today. Noah cried, “God, I did my best but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.” I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Fish and Game Commission that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so NO OWLS.” “Next I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to my taking along only two of each kind; they wanted me to save them all. Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. So I sent them a globe! The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got notice from the state that I owe some kind of usage tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.” With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean You are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully. “No,” said the Lord, “I am too late, the government already has.” 

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."  The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. After several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken." 

There was a man who said to a friend: “My marriage didn’t go bad until my wife and I bought a waterbed. Then we just drifted apart.”  

The little boy was innocently talking to the pastor. "Today my dad taught me all about Babylon." Really, replied the pastor. And how did he explain Babylon? He said, "Babylon is what our pastor does ever Sunday morning."    

A little girl became restless in church as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"   

A man was walking down a dark street. All of sudden a robber jumped out with a gun and said, "Give me your money." The man replied, “Hey, you can’t do this to me! I’m a United States Senator!" The robber says, “O.K. Then give all MY money!"     

What is the difference between involvement and commitment?  Perhaps I can best explain this by way of analogy with bacon and eggs.  The hen is involved but the pig is committed.   

A man who died was being given a tour of heaven and he saw a friend of his drive by in a beautiful Mercedes. And he said, "Boy, this is great!" "Oh, yes," St. Peter said, "your friend was really generous on earth; we had a lot to work with. Your transportation up here depends on your generosity down there." Then Peter gave him his transportation: A motor scooter. He said, "Wait a minute, he gets a Mercedes, I get a scooter?" "That’s right; it’s all we had to work with." A week later, Peter saw this man smiling and said, "You feeling better now?" The guy said, "Yea, I have ever since I saw my preacher go by on a skate board!" 

Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. "I wonder what its purpose is. It looks real enough to talk," says one. "Let’s try," says the other and turning to the statue asked its name. No answer. "How old are you?" No answer. Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?" Suddenly, the mountain shakes and the giant statue rises to its feet and answers in a roaring voice, "Eight." Of course, says the scientist, "It - only – stands - to – reason!" 

A woman checking out at the grocery was searching her purse for her check book. As she lays the contents, piece by piece, on the counter, the clerk notices the TV remote. She asked the woman why she had the remote, to which she replied, “I’m mad at my husband and this was the worse thing I could do to him that was legal!” 

Some friars opened a small florist shop to raise money. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked them to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired HUGH Mc Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so. The Moral of the Story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

 The day before Thanksgiving an elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said to him, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough. We’re sick of each other, and so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. ""I’ll take care of this." She called Phoenix immediately, and said to her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" The man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. "Good news, honey. The kids are coming for Thanksgiving and they’re paying for their flights."

 A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. They flew to Yellowstone. The ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was dangerous and to be careful. After several days when nothing was heard from the two scientists, the rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.

Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian scientist.  One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"  The other ranger nodded and responded "I guess it means the Czech is in the male."

 Three boys were talking about their fathers. One of them said: my father is a great professor. When he is talking about a subject, only 10 persons in the world can understand him! The second boy said: my father is great brain surgeon, when he is talking about surgery only 5 people in the whole world can realize what he is saying. The third boy said: my father is a pastor, when he is preaching nobody listens to what he is saying.   

 The day before Thanksgiving an elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said to him, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough. We’re sick of each other, and so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. ""I’ll take care of this." She called Phoenix immediately, and said to her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" The man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. "Good news, honey. The kids are coming for Thanksgiving and they’re paying for their flights." 

There was a young girl who asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"  "No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..." 

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to face the crowd on each side and he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!" 

 Everyone had weighed in, and the diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"  Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"

In a software design meeting, they were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming they had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue." Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?" The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

 Insurance is supposed to give you peace of mind. Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company and told them, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."  The agent replied, "Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."  There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."  

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.  The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"  "Anytime," her daughter replied.  As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."  

A young father was trying to explain the concept of marriage to his 4-year-old daughter. He got out their wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire wedding service to her. When he was finished, he asked if she had any questions. She pointed to a picture of the wedding party and asked, “Daddy, is that when mommy came to work for us?

 The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."  The patient said, "Give me the good news."  The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you." 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor" your Father and Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without hesitation one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

A little girl returned home from Sunday school and proudly announced she had memorized a new Bible verse. "Eat carrots for me," she recited. The confused mother called the Sunday school teacher for an explanation. She discovered the verse was 1 Peter 5:7: "He careth for me."

 During the banquet on their 50th wedding anniversary, the man was asked "Tell us just what you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" He responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."

 A Lawyer's wife died.  At the cemetery, people are appalled by the tombstone:  "Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services." Suddenly Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, 'You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone!" Through the tears, Morris sobs, 'You don't understand! They left off the phone number!" 

A woman wrote: Dearest Jimmy, No words could ever express the great unhappiness I’ve felt since breaking our engagement. Please say you’ll take me back. No one could ever take your place in my heart, so please forgive me. I love you, I love you, I love you! Yours forever, Marie... P.S., And congratulations on willing the state lottery."  

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to program computers."  The startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!" 

There was once a man driving along the road and he was involved in an accident with another car towing a horse trailer. A few months later he tried to claim damages for his injuries, but the insurance company lawyer questioned, "How can you now claim to have all these injuries? According to the police report, at the time you said you were not hurt."  "Well it’s like this," said the man. "I was lying in the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I know the police officer pulled out his gun and shot the horse. Then someone came and asked me, "Are you okay?"” 

Hope is a funny thing. It comes so easy to some people--maybe too easy. Four widows were playing cards in their retirement home. A good-looking older fellow walks in, bags under each arm. "What’s a good-looking man like you doing here?" one asks. "I’m moving in," he says. "Oh," says another. "Where ya from?" "I’ve been in prison the last fifteen years. "  "Oh," says one. "What did you do?"  "I murdered my wife.” There follows a long pause, and then one of them pipes up: "Oh, so you’re single!"

In a Peanut’s cartoon Lucy and Linus were sitting in front of the television set when Lucy said to Linus, "Go get me a glass of water." Linus looked surprised, "Why should I do anything for you? You never do anything for me." "On your 75th birthday," Lucy promised, "I’ll bake you a cake." Linus got up, headed to the kitchen and said, "Life is more pleasant when you have something to look forward to." 

There was a teenage boy and his grandfather who went fishing one day. The old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young fellow talking about various sexually transmitted diseases going around says, "Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."    

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber." 

 It reminds me of the guy whose wife’s credit card got stolen.  He didn’t report it.  When he finally called the credit card company, the customer service agent said, “Why did you wait so long to call?”  He said, “The guy who stole the card was spending less than my wife.”   

A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"  The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!" His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?!" 

Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"  "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith. "And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."  "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.  "Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church." 

There was a pastor who had a parrot. All the parrot would say was, “Let’s pray, let’s pray.” He learned that one of his deacons had a parrot that would only say, “Let’s kiss. Let’s kiss.” So the pastor invited the deacon and his parrot over to his house. When the deacon arrived they put the parrots into the same cage to see what would happen. The deacon’s parrot said, “Let’s kiss, let’s kiss.” The pastor’s parrot said, “Thank you, Lord. My prayers have been answered.” There’s great power in prayer.

 Satan argued with Jesus one time about who had the greater power! Satan said, ’I can do anything you can do only better.’ Jesus replied, ’Ok, prove it, go ahead and try creating a man.’ Satan said, ’No problem,’ as he reached down and picked up a handful of dirt, Jesus slapped his hand and said, ’Make your own dirt!’ 

Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."  "Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."  "No, I don't think it's that."  "Well, maybe you remind her of her father."  "No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."

Some kids had talked Mom into getting a hamster that they named “Danny.” But Mom got stuck taking care of Danny. One day Mom decided enough was enough; Danny would be given to a new owner. She called the kids together to tell them. One child said, “I’ll miss him. He’s been around here a long time.” The other child remarked, “Maybe he could stay if he ate less and wasn’t so messy.” Mom was firm, “It is time to take Danny to a new home.” “Danny?” the kids wailed, “We thought you said Daddy.”

Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about who had the better father: The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $100.”  The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $1000.”  The third boy says, “My Dad is ever better than that. He scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes four people just to collect all the money!” Oh, if it were only so.

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to a woman who was clutching a Bible. She looked the wayward drunk up and down and said, "I've got news for you, mister. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, "Oh, man, I'm on the wrong bus again!"

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The well-trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."  "Just bring me a size eight."  The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7."  "The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.  The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.  The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.  Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin', there's no paper in this one either."

Four preachers, knowing that confession is good for the soul, decided to become accountability partners. One of them said that he had a problem with losing his temper. The second confessed to liking to smoke cigars and the third one confessed to liking golf so much that he would fake being sick so he could play on weekends. The fourth one confessed, “Mine is gossiping and I can hardly wait to get out of here.”

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. Within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up with a crew of workers.  The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.  "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"  The crew chief said, "Oh that was tollgate booth paste."

I saw a lost-and-found ad in the paper. It illustrated denial. It said, “Lost, a three-legged dog. Blind in right eye. Left ear missing. Broken tail. Recently castrated. Answers to the name ‘Lucky.’” Now that’s what I call denial.

I read about two delinquent boys in a Catholic school, and they had been misbehaving and were sent to the principal’s office. The principal knew that what they really needed was God in their lives, so she brought the first boy in and set him down. “I want to ask you a question, son: Where is God?” The kid was frightened, scared to death, by the question. He didn’t know how to answer. He just sat there. She asked him three times. “Where is God? I want you to think about that question.” So she sent him on out. The other boy asked him, “What’s up?” The first kid said, “I don’t know, but God is missing and they’re trying to pin it on us.” We have some strange ideas about God.

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:  When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS". 

Two preachers were on the roadside with a sign that read, "The End is Near; turn around now before it’s too late". A passing driver yelled "leave us alone you religious nuts". Then the preachers heard a loud splash. One preacher said to the other, "Do you think we should have just said "Bridge Out".  At least they were baptized.

In the hospital the relatives are gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.  The doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I have bad news; the only hope left for your loved one is a brain transplant.  It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you have to pay for the brain.”  They sat silently absorbing the news. Finally, someone asked, “How much does a brain cost?”  The doctor responded, “$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain.”  The moment turned awkward.  Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact, but some actually smirked.  A man, unable to control his curiosity blurted out the question all wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more expensive?”  The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the group, “its standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of female brains, because they’ve been used.”

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful female Poodle. The three fall all over themselves trying to reach her first, but they all ended up arriving at the same time.  They are speechless, with tongues hanging out and hoping for recognition from her. She says, “The first one who can use the words liver and cheese in an imaginative and intelligent sentence can go out with me.  The Lab spoke first, “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. She turned to the Golden Retriever and said, “Can you do any better?” “Um, I hate liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, this is hopeless,” she said. Turning to the Chihuahua she asks, “How about you little guy?” The Chihuahua gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the two dogs and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine!”

A research group on sea mammals captured an odd porpoise. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After photographing and measuring the poor creature, they prepared to set it free. On of the reseachers said, “Wouldn’t it be kind if our ship’s doctor amputated the feet so it would be like the other porpoises?” Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor. “That would be defeeting the porpoise.”

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked? "I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury." "Then why are you here?" "It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs. Levine."

The room was full of pregnant women and their husbands, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your wives!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. “If walking is the only way, is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the first hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.

All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.

Next up is Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!"