Do you ever feel like the people you love the most get the absolute worst of you? You’re busy all day long giving your best to whatever is in front of you and by the time you get home, you’ve got precious little left in the tank. You can’t wait to not be “on” anymore. You’re with your people, you’re in your safe place, you’re in comfy clothes. It’s time to relax. This is not an easy time to summon the motivation to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. They are not perfectly attuned to your inner state and are probably tapped out too. It’s inevitable that misses will happen and it’s easy to assume the worst.
Let’s say you get home and the sink is full of dishes. You’ve had this conversation before. You’ve had a long day and you’re tired. You often feel like you care more than your partner about having a tidy house. This would be an easy moment to jump to conclusions about why there are dishes in the sink. “She cares more about relaxing than about me.” “She’s never listens.” “He’s lazy. If I want a clean house, it’s all up to me and I get no help at all.” There may be a kernel of truth in any of these. It may be that you have a dynamic where your spouse sometimes tunes you out, or it may be that you carry the lion’s share of the work around the house or that cleanliness is a higher priority for you. However, if you jump straight to these judgments, you’re likely creating a big surge of anger and resentment for yourself and cutting off access to a productive solution for either of you. It’s usually not the message we have to deliver, but how we deliver it that sets the stage for healthy communication. And, our delivery is far more likely to yield the results we want if we’re coming from a place of curiosity and the benefit of the doubt than if we’re coming in hot, conclusions already drawn.
What if you tried this instead: Rather than making a judgement about your partner’s character flaws or care for you, can you get curious or creative with your assessment of the situation? The dishes didn’t get done; I wonder what went wrong? Maybe she’s not feeling well? Maybe it was a rough day? Maybe he thought he had more time before I walked through the door? Even if you can’t get all the way to a more generous interpretation of your partner’s actions, simply admitting what your assumptions are can be helpful. “I’m making up a whole story in my head about why the dishes aren’t done. Can you explain what happened or talk me down?” Or, “I’m reacting like this because I’m feeling like the dishes somehow mean you don’t care about me or you’re trying to spite me. Am I right?” Just introducing the possibility that your assumption may not be true can de-escalate the whole situation.
The dishes in the sink may still need to be addressed, but resisting the impulse to draw sweeping conclusions about why your partner didn’t follow through and what that means about them as a person and your relationship as a whole leaves you open to problem solving and empathy rather than judgment and stonewalling.
Curiosity can minimize your distress while you figure out what’s really going on.
