{"id":31980,"date":"2023-09-29T20:53:44","date_gmt":"2023-09-29T20:53:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/?p=31980"},"modified":"2024-04-05T21:08:57","modified_gmt":"2024-04-05T21:08:57","slug":"maybe-its-not-about-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/maybe-its-not-about-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Maybe It’s Not About You"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Maybe it\u2019s not about you.<\/strong> This statement is true in many contexts. In fact, I will probably start several blog posts with this sentence. Today, though, I\u2019m thinking about parenting books and advice<\/strong>. They can be incredibly helpful tools. They can also be a source of personal shame when, again and again, they don\u2019t work for your child<\/strong>. When this happens, it\u2019s often not about you. It doesn\u2019t mean there is something wrong with you. It doesn\u2019t mean your child is beyond help. It just means this book or post doesn\u2019t apply to you<\/strong>, your child, or your situation.<\/p>

\"frustratedWhen I first realized my son was struggling more than the other young kids we knew, one of my coping strategies<\/strong> was to go to the experts<\/strong> (or their books anyway) to work on my parenting<\/strong>. This is a great place to start. Reading about parenting philosophies and trying new approaches is important, especially when you can tell your current tools aren\u2019t enough. Plus, going into a tough situation with a plan<\/strong> helps us respond intentionally instead of being overly reactive. So, the stack of books on my nightstand grew quickly, with each book claiming to be THE<\/strong> secret to a well-adjusted child and happy home. Almost every time I read about a new parenting hack or implemented a new strategy, though, what I found was demoralization, fear and uncertainty. I would come away from my reading filled with hope and resolve, only to have whatever strategy I was trying blow up in my face<\/strong>. My child would persist indefinitely in the face of resistance. He did not shift his tactics. He escalated. If a book promised a few repetitions of an unwanted behavior or a few days of dysregulation with a new routine or boundary, we were looking at hours of endless repetitions or months long adjustment periods. Nothing \u201cworked\u201d<\/strong> the way the books or the mommy-bloggers promised. So, I was left feeling that either I or my child must be defective<\/strong>. It didn\u2019t dawn on me to do anything other than try harder<\/strong>. Doubling down on these parenting styles, though, seemed to be creating distance and conflict, not harmony or growth.<\/p>

\"manIt wasn\u2019t until my son\u2019s psychologist pointed out that there is no one-size-fits-all parenting philosophy<\/strong> that I was finally able to put the books down and take a deep breath<\/strong>. In the stress of parenting, I couldn\u2019t come to that conclusion on my own. I needed outside help. \u201cLove and Logic\u201d only \u201cworks\u201d if your child can access logic. \u201c1-2-3 Magic\u201d only \u201cworks\u201d if your child is capable of inhibiting impulses. The advice to refuse to react to a child\u2019s behavior and let it extinguish itself is a lot more feasible when your kid gets with the program in 15 minutes instead of 3 hours. If the media (social or mainstream) is setting the expectation that one way is THE way, beware.<\/p>

\"\"Now, I\u2019m not suggesting that people with information about developing brains shouldn\u2019t use that research to educate us on the best practices we can use to parent. That is important information. If you have a parenting tip or trick that works for you, absolutely share it with people it might help.\u00a0 What I\u2019m thinking, though, is that we should back away from the temptation to claim that there is any one system or school of thought<\/strong> that is THE<\/strong> answer<\/strong>. It would be so nice, but it\u2019s not true. If you\u2019ve found what works for you, great! Congratulations and I am genuinely happy for you. AND, when you put it out in the world, maybe add a caveat. \u201cPutting this out there because it\u2019s what works in my house. Try it on and see if it\u2019s useful<\/strong> in yours\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Or \u201cResearch suggests this is effective for the majority of neurotypical children\u2026\u201d Most of the time, there is no quick fix<\/strong>. What there is, is a process of seeing your child, developing a deeper understanding of what they are struggling with, trying a bunch of different ways to fill in their skill gaps and get insurmountable obstacles out of their way, and gradually moving in the direction you need to go. It\u2019s never perfect and often messy, but that is a necessary part of the process rather than a personal shortcoming.<\/strong><\/p>

So, if you read about the latest \u201chack\u201d or popular parenting philosophy and think, \u201cthat would never work for us\u201d, or if you leave the article or post feeling more alone and worse about yourself, then chances are it wasn\u2019t written about or for you or your kid. If you\u2019re unsure, try that advice or tactic to see if it has any relevance for your family. Combine different approaches<\/strong> to find a hybrid that\u2019s best for you. But maybe you can just remind yourself that this one\u2019s not about you<\/strong> and move on with your life.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This statement is true in many contexts. In fact, I will probably start several blog posts with this sentence. Today, though, I\u2019m thinking about parenting books and advice. They can be incredibly helpful tools. They can also be a source of personal shame when, again and again, they don\u2019t work for your child. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":32048,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31980","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31980","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31980"}],"version-history":[{"count":50,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31980\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":32274,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31980\/revisions\/32274"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/32048"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31980"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31980"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.whiteford.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31980"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}